It's Orbtastic

I fell for the chubby little bottles of water on the shelf, the Poland Spring Aquapods, they are potbellied and round like water bombs, aka water balloons, aka breast implants. There's a distant association to the clear jelly nib left when one has sucked all the flavorful shell of a jelly bean. They contain a child-sized drink of water, not heavy enough to increase any tendency towards scoliosis when placed in the day camper's backpack. The graphics on the bottle contain the slogan "ORBTASTIC SHAPE, a BLAST of fun."


For God's sake do not freeze them, they aren't built to expand. Of course, you would already know that you have to open the bottle and let out a bit of the water to leave room for the transformation. And maybe you wouldn't freeze a bottle of water anyway because you know this unleashes some of the nasty chemicals usually held dormant in the plastic. Then again, maybe you are too thirsty and too hot to care enough about such things.

But the cracking bottles can be a problem, or a secret delight, when you want a drink and find yourself spattered with ice cold water, nothing to wipe it up with. On hot days you might think the moisture is excess condensation but you'll soon learn better. My daughter maintained her composure when this happened to her on the B67 bus. No surprise there, I think she is a closet baptist because I often find her pouring our bottled water on her head, irregardless of the fact that I've packed those bottles for the purpose of sustaining hydration. She feels happily refreshed, possibly reborn, I feel thwarted and ornery.

I was also frustrated when I wanted to believe we had evidence of the afterlife caught on our digital camera Sunday. My husband got to take our son down into the abandoned subway tunnel under Atlantic Avenue. I would have gone but it is not recommended that one climb into the manhole, babe in arms.

He emerged with tales of pirates murdering crews on the East River and stashing loot in the defunct tunnel, which was only accessible from a secret entrance in a bar on Atlantic Avenue. I wanted to see the pictures. You've got ORBS! Look, those are spirits!! Well, he says, there was lots of dust in the air. No, those are spirits! Well, really, there was a lot of dust, everyone could see it.

I'll be testing his theory.