the attitude of despair

In a rare moment last night my youngest and the middle child got in their worst fight ever. Both, in tears, were seething at each other. I'd been there myself many times, although it's been a while. In such dire straits, it seemed they really wanted my coaching, it's terrible to be so distraught, and to be suffering a rift in a treasured bond.

No one wants to feel like that, and soon they had worked through it. They forgave each other, apologized, reaffirmed love. It was as if I saw their hearts emerging from a pile of smoldering debris, followed by cool rain. I suppose it doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes there's the sinking into the attitude of despair and the loss of hope in the other. Siblings are alienated, families soured, friendship silenced, hatred initiated.

At the beginning of the summer I opened a book, I have no idea now which one it was, to a page discussing the sin of despair. I believe the book portrayed despair as the worst sin ever. The idea was new to me and I found it harsh. I've been mulling it over all summer and think I understand what's behind it. Of course despair is a natural reaction to loss and heartbreak and disappointment. But when it becomes an attitude of despair it becomes a commitment to maintaining resentment, disappointment and punishing the offenders. It represents a loss of hope and sometimes a refusal to look on the bright side.

At Premier Pediatrics this summer I read a magazine article in the waiting room. Those soft, soft Cottonelle puppies observed the type from the opposite page. It made the point that punishment doesn't change children's behavior. It puts a temporary halt on the misdeed but doesn't change tendencies. What's been found to redirect destructive behavior is appreciating the choices a child makes that have some benefit for self, others or environment. Getting off the carousel of fear, hopelessness, disappointment, resentment and hurt, and finding some small thing to inspire jubilation.

How else can we live? I get it. I get it about despair now. OK? Yes, I know, I was in there deep. I see how much more I'd have to offer if I can hone my ability to foster joy. As if by my complaints and shrieking I'd be able to change the mound of wrong and potential disasters this world teeters on. As if, by succumbing to the seduction of simplifying the world into the polarities of good and bad, this broken world would actually become more whole.

We see now the potential for a repeat in history, as banks lose trust in lendees, financial ecology becomes paralyzed, perhaps depression ensues. Reducing the damage depends on our ability to maintain faith in each other. Is there a greater challenge? Not for me there isn't.