More Soul, Kohn

When a Parent's 'I Love You' Means 'Do as I Say'," an article by Alfie Kohn which ran in the science section of the NYT last week, left me dissatisfied and uneasy, even though I'm a fan of Kohn's work and I don't know what we'd do in this age of Scientific Materialism if we didn't have a scientist/researcher to say things like "actually, unconditional love has been scientifically proven to be a healthy thing for a child." As a parent, I know how easy it is to become a manipulating robot, but the reasons for that are deep and profound and frankly beyond the reach of Social Psychology.

Not addressed, the idea that parents are human beings who react and are affected by their children, and genuine joy is never planned and always nurturing, and often genuine displeasure is unavoidable and sometimes instructive as to what the boundaries are. What' s so dangerous for children is when a parent is so divorced from their nature that they feel they must mediate all their utterances so that nothing is genuine. If a parent can't be himself, how will a child learn to respect his own uniqueness? I can't imagine that Social Psychology, which treats humans like lab rats and statistics, will ever get to the root of these issues. This drama takes place in the battlefield where love faces off with fear and the power principle.

I saw in the letters section that other people had similar reactions to Kohn's article. One woman responded "The best gift we parents can give our children is for them to see our eyes light up when they enter the room." And that would be called love...if the light weren't faked.

If a parent has lost that light, how does he get it back? What if he never had it? Will Social Psychology help? I don't think so. But maybe I should read his book Unconditional Parenting because perhaps he addresses this issue there in a way that the article couldn't.

Kohn concludes his article with this: "Carl Rogers didn’t say so, but I’ll bet he would have been glad to see less demand for skillful therapists if that meant more people were growing into adulthood having already felt unconditionally accepted." Unconditional acceptance is a great goal, but what does it really mean and is it possible? For a parent to unconditionally accept a child, he has to unconditionally accept himself, doesn't he, and undoing a lifetime of resentment and disapproval and prejudice is not a simple act of will, is it? Seems to me there's no way around the demand for skillful therapists in an age that too often ruthlessly demands robotic productivity of its "hero" sons and daughters.